A glimps into my motherhood
So much of my motherhood years, have been submerged in motherhood. And literally nothing else, but that.
2014
I spent so many years feeling guilt toward the fact I felt like a control freak (I could never share my babies with family),
I spent so many years determined and pushing to breastfeed because I couldn’t bare the thought of anyone else being the source of food for them,
I spent so many years worried I was creating clingy children who’d never leave me alone because I could never leave them,
I spent so many years (literally years) having panic attacks about going back to work well before I was ready to, over disappointing workplaces and putting our finances back by staying home with our children for their first year,
I spent so many years feeling judged for “losing an identity” and not being anyone else but “Eli and Indi’s Mum”. (And eventually Harlow’s Mum too)
I spent so many years worried that I was doing it wrong,
And fearful that I was driving my partner away because I was too worried about being a Mama for date nights,
I spent so many years feeling like I was the only one who felt like this. Everyone else parted with their baby’s easily, everyone else seemed so much more carefree than I did.
Why was it just me that had trouble letting go?
I spent so many years feeling alone in my motherhood… so so many years…
2016
And I don’t think it was until we faced multiple lockdowns due to covid (not long after I’d experienced pregnancy loss) and the only place I could look was within the same 4 walls I was raising my family.
Lots of soul searching and examining was done… before welcoming my rainbow Babe (Harlow) in 2021 where I got to re-do the “becoming of a mother” all over again, for the third time.
And do you know what I realised?
I was never a control freak. My maternal instincts were just strong. I just wanted and NEEDED my babies close.
It was never about sharing the feeding journey or load with anyone else. I just wanted and NEEDED my babies close.
My children still grew into confident capable children, despite being an attached Mama. I know I just wanted and NEEDED my babies close.
Work and career were still there when I need them, but my babies’ were NOT little forever. I just wanted and NEEDED my babies close.
I realized my identity was and is forever changing. And that the seasons of my life, were just that. During the season of motherhood and post-partum, I just wanted and NEEDED my babies close.
I spent so many years worried I was doing it wrong, because I truly did just want to do it RIGHT. And I had been all along.
I realised that the love my partner and I have for each other, can and will withstand my motherhood journey and OUR journey through PARENTHOOD together.
And that other mothers feels this too. That even during my many moments of feeling alone, I was never quiet alone at all. Many Mama’s just want and NEED their baby’s close.
2021
The thing is, every motherhood journey is so unique and so so different that we often feel like the only person in the world to feel the way we do but this is not quite true…
It took me years to drown out that external noise of unwanted opinions on how my attachment was going to be detrimental for them… and to truly lean in on the fact I mothered the way I did, because I really am a good Mama who just loves her children. Who wants to hold them close, for as long as she can. And there is NOTHING bad about that.
